I'm sure I'm not alone in having that thought. Wondering what's the secret to an exciting and happy life where you feel like you're going somewhere, that you have a goal. Feeling like everybody else have mastered it and that you have failed.
I'm sitting in my bed now typing this. I've been watching TV-shows on Netflix and browsing through YouTube all day. I've had many days like that lately. It makes me feel depressed. Days like that. I haven't felt motivated to get out and do something in a while. I seriously don't have any friends in this city. Friends meaning people that I actually hang out with.
I don't really mind being alone for a while, but it's been a long while now. It's been over 9 months. I miss my friends. I miss having someone to laugh with, someone to have conversations with, someone to go on adventures with, someone to hug, someone to stay up all night with.
I live in sadness city (Sandnes) as I like to call it, located on the west coast of Norway. To be honest the city isn't as bad as everyone (including myself) portrays it to be. It's surrounded by beautiful nature and it's a good place to live. It's just that there is nothing (no one) for me here. All of my friends live in other cities or countries now.
I've lived in other cities as well. Trondheim and Oslo. I lived in Trondheim when I studied photography and then I moved to Oslo for a year, but decided to move back home after my mom got ill, a group of friends started heading down a road I didn't want to go and other personal issues. I miss living in Oslo, but I don't miss where everything was heading. I'm glad I moved back to Sandnes, but I'm getting ready to leave this city again. I don't know where to though. Probably another country. I can't stand the long winters in Norway.
When it comes to love I don't really miss it that often. I feel like it's time to focus on myself now. Focus on my interests and work towards my goals to figure out what the hell I want to do with my life. Having interests makes loneliness a little easier to handle. I also work full time as a kindergarten assistant and do photography on the side, which is good, cause it's time-consuming.
I might not be a complete failure, considering that I made the right choice on moving back home, I'm finally in a situation where I can save up some money, I can afford to travel (which I love to do), I'm also putting the focus where it should have been all along (on myself) and I have experienced an emotional roller coaster that has given me knowledge on what I want and what I don't want in my life. It's easy to feel like a failure though. Loneliness is the hardest part.
I'm not ready to give up on myself. I want my life to be lived to the fullest. I just need to put away all of my insecurities, all of my doubts and take chances.
Shai Hulud - Faithless Is He Who Says Farewell When The Road Darkens
"Rather let me fail, than never to have tried at all.
Come what may, nothing short of death will see me cry defeat.
Rule every moment. Seize every day.
By storm. By the throat. With every breath I take.
It's not what you can not do, it's what they told you, you can not do;
so, fire your gun into the mouth of doubt.
Let the masses dictate themselves.
I am not now theirs, nor will I ever be.
They wont crush my hopes.
They cannot smash my dreams.
I am not inspired by men without faith.
I am not deterred by events that cause the average man to break.
Rule every moment. Seize every day."
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